Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
