Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
