these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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