Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
