i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize