Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
