just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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