I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Randomize
