FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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