Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
