Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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