I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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