it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Randomize
