Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
