i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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