we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
