The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
