the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
