sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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