if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
