I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
