evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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