The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize