Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
