But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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