Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Randomize
