I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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