So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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