dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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