My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
