i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
