last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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