Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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