mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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