I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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