speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize