She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
