you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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