Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize