I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
