Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
