Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
