I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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