I just threw up on my dentist
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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