if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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