I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize