Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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