After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
