Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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