I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
