dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize