She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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