Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
