Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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