If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
there was a trapeze. enough said
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
