How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
