when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
