Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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