I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
