That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize