I want to have your abortion
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
