you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
