We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
