So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
