Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
