i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Banned from zoo.
Again?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
