i just snorted my name. best moment ever
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
