dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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