and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
This is the high leading the old right now
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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