This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We need to get me chipped asap
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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