I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
