When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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