my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
